I have been on a different planet the past few weeks. Dozing in and out of reality. Adoring the creativity that has been a result of the dream state. However also very much feeling things in an extreme sense.
My brother called me sometime during the past few weeks and told me he had a girlfriend (don't tell anyone cos it's a secret, ha). I was so happy for him. Then when we hung up. I was sitting in my room, in the silence, and tears poured out of me. I don't think I had ever cried that hard, or maybe I had but not for the same expression; I was crying because I shared the experience of a new relationship.
It made me remember that funny feeling in your stomach when you realise you are starting to like someone. It made me think of the 'oh, should I wait 5 minutes before I text him back?' and the 'oh no I so shouldn't have said that'. And the smiles. And the first 'I love you'.
I can't express how much of a blessing it was for me to remember these things. For the past year and half, all I have thought of are the negatives that I had in my last relationship. All I thought of was the break up and the new girl and the stage leading up to the break up. Even if I remembered a positive - it was quickly consumed by a negative.
So what happened, when I hung up the phone and I started crying, was acceptance. And within acceptance there was gratitude. I believe it was the biggest milestone of my life so far. And I have never been prouder of myself and this life that is starting to bloom.
I wrote this the day after:
The belief of insight into other people’s
minds has ceased. A more powerful insight has begun. It is not an
allowance to never forgive. It is an ability to remember. We are the
beauty and we are the not the controllers. It’s no longer the hard
copy of the photograph; it is the vivid colours in the kaleidoscope of
your mind. Allow the pulsing of stark magnificence amoungst real pain.
Feel it. Leave it. Hate it. Come back to it. Rip it up and throw it in
the bin. Pull it out of the bin and piece it back together. Put it in
the corner. And then when you least expect it – you will accept it and
appreciate it for what it was.